


pendulum

by apeunde



Category: VIXX
Genre: Angst, M/M, but not really, mostly just trying to put my feelings into words, taekwoon centric kinda i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-02
Updated: 2015-08-02
Packaged: 2018-04-12 13:49:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4481606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/apeunde/pseuds/apeunde
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>when taekwoon pushes hakyeon away in the deep of the night, it’s never because he wants to.</p>
            </blockquote>





	pendulum

When Taekwoon pushes Hakyeon away in the deep of the night, it’s never because he wants to. There’s an ache in his chest that he can’t hide away from, spreading over to his limbs until it reaches the end of his fingertips; it feels like he’s suffocating in an ocean of uncertainties and what ifs, and the darkness of the room does nothing to help him breach the surface.

 

Hakyeon is fast asleep next to him, Taekwoon can hear the subtle sound of his even breathing, feels it against the back of his neck. He’s glad Hakyeon doesn’t wake up from Taekwoon gently untangling his hands around his middle, of scooting away just enough so he doesn’t feel his breath on his skin — it makes him feel like he’s fallen even deeper into the darkness in those moments, makes his blood rush faster and the fear spread wider. He doesn’t know where he’s going, never knows until he reaches the bottom, and sometimes — well, sometimes, it doesn’t happen.

 

His feet touch to cold floor, and it’s just a little calming, making him be able to breathe again, if only raggedly. It floors him enough to keep him from falling further, keeps him in place while the anxiety nags at his insides. He doesn’t even know how it happens time and time again, the prospect of the future and of all the possibilities and the fact that nothing is certain engulfing him in a cold shower; he wonders if he’s just strangely susceptible to it, if there’s something wrong with him. And it just seems so much more likely when his eyes graze over the others’ sleeping forms, none of them awake with the core of their bodies burning in a fear Taekwoon can’t grasp. 

 

In those nights, the silence of the dorms is unbearable. It makes him flee the quietness of the bedroom, tap out into the kitchen and move through the living room to the only place that can give him solace. 

 

The air is cold when he slides open to door to the balcony, welcoming and fresh against his skin. He doesn’t bother to cover himself up, the chill of the night air running up his exposed arms and the back of his neck — it’s grounding, and suddenly Taekwoon feels like he can breathe again, if only just a little. 

 

The sounds of the rushing city below are calming, making him feel like he’s not trapped in time and one place; it gives him hope and calms the accelerated beating of his heart to something almost akin to normal. He watches the lights flicker in the distance and tries not to think of anything that makes the darkness and insecurities erupt again inside his chest, instead thinking about the people twenty floors down — where they’d be going, what would be driving them, and it makes him feel a lot safer knowing that he’s not the only one awake at this time of night.

 

How long he stays there he can’t say, time completely forgotten as he tries to not hand himself over to it, not to be suffocated by the thought of everything going too fast for him and past him. It’s strangely comforting, and Taekwoon slowly starts to fall back into reality, thinking that whatever insecure future lies ahead, millions of people have been able to face it before him.

 

***

 

Sometimes, it happens during the day. In between schedules and when Taekwoon is not ready, can’t find any time to floor himself down to reality. Those times are the hardest, because he can’t just go up to everyone and say “I can’t go”. He has responsibilities, and they tie him down when his heartbeat accelerates and his breath gets shallow. He feels trapped inside his body, feels too light headed to breathe, and it’s hard to keep his mind on anything.

 

Hakyeon is always the one noticing in those moments, seeing the blank stare Taekwoon gives at the ground trying to tie himself to it in order not to fall. He sees it, and he’s next to him a second, telling their manager to give them five minutes. He pulls Taekwoon by the arm, out of the room and past the others. Taekwoon knows they’re concerned, knows that they want to help somehow, make him feel right; but they also know that no matter what they say, Taekwoon doesn’t process it, not when he’s like this. 

 

Hakyeon knows it too, that words aren’t enough to pull Taekwoon out from the waves of uncertainty that threaten to drown him, knows that Taekwoon is already pushed too far under the surface for empty promises to help him up. So instead he pulls him close in the back of a corridor or against shelves of an empty room, close enough that he can feels Hakyeon’s heartbeat beating along with his, calming him down. Hakyeon’s lips against his make the tightness in his chest decrease, the feeling of anxiety subsiding to the warmth that spreads in his body at the touch. Taekwoon always wonders if it’s okay to feel like this, to only have this one remedy to a problem that’s unrooting his entire existence; but then he thinks that it’s okay, and looses himself in the kiss, in Hakyeon’s hands pulling through his hair not caring about the gel, in Hakyeon’s scent on the tip of his tongue.

 

It’s when he can’t breathe out of the intensity of the kiss rather than the suffocation in his chest that Hakyeon pulls back, dark, gentle eyes fixed on his, and Taekwoon feels like he’s drowning again — but this time it’s different, this time it’s warm and nice and safe, and he wants more. But he’s afraid to ask, always afraid that maybe Hakyeon is too burdened by all of this to help him get up time and time again.

 

It’s a silly thought, and one that Hakyeon can read on his face with a little roll of his eyes. He reassures Taekwoon with more kisses, to his lips, to his cheek and his eyes, to his neck and his nose; it feels like Taekwoon can’t think, can’t fall into that abyss that opens itself in front of him when Hakyeon is around, and it’s nice.

 

It’s just as nice that Hakyeon whispers in his ears, telling him how he’ll always be there to pull him back up, and it’s the only thing Taekwoon believes in. It makes him smile, that small smile that stretches over his lips and makes his eyes sparkle just a little, because suddenly he feels like everything is going to turn out okay.

 

It’s with a last squeeze of Taekwoon’s hand in his that Hakyeon pulls him back to the others, back into the reality that suddenly doesn’t seem so scary anymore, and Taekwoon is reminded how much he loves this, his life, his work, his fans. It seems stupid to think that he could get scared of anything when he feels this elated, and he savours the moment as much as he can.

 

He catches Hakyeon’s eye from the other side of the tables when the fansign is in its full going, and there’s his entire world inside of them.

 

***

 

When the night is dark again, Taekwoon tries to remember how well he’s done until now. How much worse the anxiety in his chest was while he was still a trainee, how uncertain his future was back then, and how much strength he’d still possessed to make it this far.

 

It all seems silly, how fear can grip him so suddenly despite him battling it over and over again, and he wonders if he’s as weak as he seems to be.

 

Taekwoon moves his head to the side, watching the others sleep; their chests rising evenly, dreams much sweeter than his displaying behind their closed eyes, and he feels like he owes them so much. He wonders if he’s giving enough back, and the thought kindles it again, that little cold fire that paralyses him.

 

Sometimes, Hakyeon wakes up when Taekwoon moves away in the middle of the night, and there’s a hand around Taekwoon’s wrist that pulls him back. Taekwoon lets him, crawls back under the covers and into Hakyeon’s soothing hands, tracing patterns along his spine.

 

“Don’t worry too much,” he whispers, eyes closed and voice deep and raspy with sleep — and just like that Taekwoon doesn’t, the darkness subsiding back where it came from and he feels calm, so much calmer than he could ever be.

 

It’s weird, the safe harbour he’s been lucky to find in Hakyeon, and he knows that it’s not often that you get this lucky. He doesn’t question it, though, only smiles a little and breathes in the warmth of Hakyeon’s body. 

 

There are nights when this isn’t enough, when Taekwoon clutches at Hakyeon’s shirt and grips him so tight he leaves marks. But it’s not tonight, and Taekwoon remembers that no matter what comes, Hakyeon is right next to him, not afraid to take his hand and lead him into the next day.

 

And to Taekwoon, the next day is all that matters.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope this isn't too... idk? I've wanted to write something calm and soothing and instead it became quite anxious ;; but I've tried to make it have a positive view in the end...


End file.
